Just a brief pause and a moment

So I guess from now on I'm just going to write when the moment is needed. At this moment I need it. I got into another argument with my mom. All I said was mom I'm hungry, I want to cook dinner but I don't have the motivation to cook in a really dirty kitchen. Her response was "why not clean it? You don't do anything else, you don't clean anything, all you want to do is cook." Now some of you are probably wondering what's the problem with that but for those of you who know me and my family then you I've done all that my whole life. I cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids even dropped out of school because I couldn't handle both. But don't say that to my mom because she has selective memory. She says I cooked a little, hardly helped with the kids and never cleaned. Nobody in this house want's to do anything. All I want is a little help with something that's benefiting all of them.


Up until I was sixteen I did nothing but whatever she wanted. After that I started telling her no. She hates not having her way. She says I'm being disrespectful but I call it speaking my mind, speaking up for myself. I love my mom but I hate the way I feel when I think about her. I hate the way she makes me feel; like I'm just a pawn in her little game. Like I'm only here to take care of her and her kids and not say anything or put up a resistance. I bet if I never said anything for myself, ever asked for anything and just gave her all my money whenever I get it, she would love me more then anyone. Is it worth it? I don't think so! I love myself to much to be her bitch. I love my husband to much to see him look at me with pity. My mother does nothing in this house. She doesn't cook ( hasn't in the past 3 years;even then only occasionally), clean, watch the kids or ever babysit for my sister (unless it's convenient for her.) But I'm SUPOSED to because I'm the sister, I'm the aunt and it's my job. Forget that!


Thank you for this. I needed to vent and clear my mind. More on the previous story later.

Alright here goes....

Alright here it is. I'm ready to bore you with the details of the situations if your ready to listen........ Omg its so much I don't know where to start. Well this summer has been hell for me. My mom wont let my husband move in because she feels like we'll get to comfortable and not want to leave, she already had a past man of mines live here and she doesn't want that again, she doesn't want a lot of people in her house. To be honest I think the real reason is: my mom is jealous. Now I'm not saying it to be hurtful, brag or anything like that. I feel this way because not only do I have a really good man, I'm also married, don't have kids and I work and go to school. I will be graduating next year and I'm getting a life together for myself. It seems like the more I do for me the more she hates me.


Now I know what your thinking "No she doesn't hate you..." But you see how you'll trail off there. She does hate me and if that isn't true then why does she treat me the way she does. Okay so at this point I'm guessing your like "why not just move in with him at his place?" Well I would only problem is he lives with his parents. He did live with his brother at one point but they had a falling out. So now he's back with his parents and surprise, surprise his mom hates me. Lol yea I know it, I know what your thinking. But truly it isn't my fault. Yes I got pregnant shortly after meeting Chris but I wasn't out to get any money from him or put him on child support. But she saw it that way and because I'm a big girl, she thought I was lying about the time frame and that I was further along then what I was.


I still feel like she cursed me and made me lose the baby (lol im just kidding...) After all that though I do give her the props for at least trying to make things work. She invited me over for thanksgiving and Christmas but during those times I was still hurting over how she first treated me. Then as I was getting over it and giving her another chance she started calling me a gold digger. Well not those exact words but she said I was using her son for his money. Yes Chris did spend his money on me a lot when we first started dating but I always made up for that when I got my job. Whenever he needed money to get to work or school, I gave it to him. I bought things for him and treated him to lunches and dinners but she never saw that. She just saw a woman pretty much taking away her baby.


I don't fault her for feeling that way but she needs to let go. Geez there's so much still. I'll stop here for now and write more next time.

Some old news and New news lol

    So first I would like to apologize to those who do read my blog. I know to be a blogger means to post more often and sadly I have lacked badly in that department. Well I would like to take some time to catch you up on me! Let's start with the downers: My mom is still so heartless toward me. Now for those of you who have read my past posts then you know a bit of how my mom is. In these past two years I have felt like killing myself so many times. Sometimes I even feel like, and its very sad to say, trading places with those kids who's parents kill them. Sometimes I wish I was dead rather then living with a mom who says she doesn't hate you but her actions say a whole different story. When I tell people how my life is, they think I'm over exaggerating but then when they come see it for their selves, they really get it. We hardly have people in our lives because of the way my family is. It's sad truly but for those who know my family then you know exactly where I'm coming from.


Alright I'm sorry for that morbid moment but I had to get it out. I wont go into any details about that problem, at least not right now. Now for the good news: I'M MARRIED!!! Yes to the man that knocked me up two years ago. Christopher Bynes is the love of my life. I haven't been able to get pregnant again since that first time but it's ok. I do have a new nephew although he is 8 months old now lol. Yes there were times I felt really jealous of my sister because she has the beautiful baby that I have wanted for so long. Sometimes I'm also jealous of the relationship she has with my mother. They have their moments of course but my mom always chooses Shyanna over me. Anyways......I'll be starting my 5th semester next week. I'll be graduating next year!! I'm so happy that I have a wonderful husband who truly loves me and things that will keep me busy like classes and my work-study. I work for Jumpstart. It's a really good program and I get to work with kids who are so smart and fun to be around. I also will be interning at a daycare for my internship class so yay I get to work with babies.


All in all I'm doing okay. I'm on meds because of the issues with my family, I'm not living with my husband at the moment ( I'll give you the details in the next post!!) and it sucks that everyone around me is having babies and getting pregnant and I'm still trying. Its hurts but its not a very bad hurt. I want my baby to be born away from my ignorant family. I do not want my child knowing how horrible these people are. I even hate that my nephew has to be apart of it. I'll try to post more often people. But if I don't post soon, please just hit me up and ask me what's going on!! Thanks!

Wats new....

Hey everyone :) So it's about that time again to catch u all up on me and my life. Hmmm I met someone (mentioned that b4) and I got pregnant. My ex told me he's going through life changes (Cant really explain it) and I lost my baby when I was about 2 and a half months along. I know it wasnt that far along but I was really looking forward to having a little one of my own. At this point in time I feel like I never wanna get pregnant again. Not only is it painful mentally but physically as well. Its like having ur period on triple blast (ladies if u know wat I mean) guys I guess it would be like someone either chopping ur dick off and punching u in the stomach all at the same time. I handled it tho, guess giving birth would have been just as painful lol. Anyways now im living day by day wit nothing really interesting happening yet. I'll keep u posted!

What's new wit you?

So wats new wit me hmm well I had an interview wit this company called Environment Massachusetts. It's like a telemarketing company (door to door donation thing) Anyways so I found out about this from my friend Natara and we set up interviews. Everything went well and we got hired and asked back for the orientation  process which consist of us learning specific lines to say to people. Now the lady had already said it's ur first day so its ok if u dont get it packed down right away (we had about 30 mins to practice) then when we were practicing it with another woman, we were doing good just not perfect like robots. The woman who said it was ok if we didnt get it, pulled us aside and said " Looks like ur not getting our wrap, but thanks for coming." OMG I wanted to punch that bitch out. But I held my cool, said thank u and walked away. Now for good news, I'm seeing someone!!! His name is Chris and I met him online of course. He's so sweet and nice and caring. He's not wat I usually go for and I dont see why I'm so hooked on him but I am and I aint letting go lol. I hope things last and go just the way I dream it......

ILLUMINATI??

So wat's wit the world these days? Every where u turn the Illuminati pops up. It's in almost every song, on tv shows and in the movies. Why? Do u need to be that famous that u have to sell ur soul and kill ppl? It's not that important to poison everyone's mind just so u could be on top. Ok so ur on top now, wat about the next person that comes along, sold his soul and is better then u? Then ur just gonna be a washed up satan lover who's either gonna try and kill that better person or get urself killed and spend eternal hell wit ur evil father. Let me be good. GOD does not want hate and even if u know the devil and his ugly minions are bad, u need to think good thoughts. If there was more good in the world maybe it would get rid of all the bad and ugliness.  

GOD WHY ME??????

Let's see here so yesterday i watched Julie and Julia and that made me want to get up and cook so i spent four hours cooking two different types of chicken, dumplings and homemade bread. I had a blast tho cuz i love to cook. Then today me and my sister get into this huge argument bcuz I wouldnt let her have any. Now for those of u who really know me, u know me and my sister do NOT get along. Anyways so basically again my mom took her side and told me if i dont respect her house ( I was upset and cursing) then i could get out so i did......but i dont have anywhere to go. And to top it off its freezing out here. *sigh* sometimes i wish i did end it all when i had a good chance. I dont know wat im going to do. I'm just sitting outside, at a bus stop wish my damn transition check came in from that stupid program so i could at least put my phone on....